- Big Daddy Roth - This one races down the porcelain speedway leaving either fat B.F. Goodrich skidmarks or fine-line pinstriping. AKA: The Barbershop Pole, Spirograph.
- Great Scott! - 1,000 sheets won't last long with this monster. AKA: Rawass Rex.
- Lost My Marbles - They're small... They're round... Anyone up for a game? AKA: Pinball Wizard.
- Juan Valdez's Revenge - Coffee keeps me regular. Sometimes too regular. Give me one of them fancy smancy cute-named coffehouse drinks and I'm running for the john. Smells a lot like Juan's burro. AKA: The Exxon Valdez.
- Las Vegas Jackpot - I took a roadtrip up to Vegas and made the mistake of stopping halfway to eat at Denny's. My Grand Slam Breakfast was running the bases in my gut as I got back in the car. I had to make an emergency stop as soon as I hit downtown Vegas. I ran into a Denny's (figured I'd give them back what they gave me) and flew for the toilet. Ever see a nickel machine give a 2,000 coin payout? If you are ever in Vegas you can try to visit this Denny's, but I think it was shut down after this incident.
- The Phantom - I know it's there, but I can't see it. Then the odor smacks me in the jaw like a skull-ringed fist. AKA: The Shadow, Silent Partner.
- Allman Brothers Live at the Fillmore - My legs fall asleep due to the double-album duration. About halfway into "In Memory of Elizabeth Reed" the show really gets cooking. Blood from my anal fissures hits the water and looks a lot like the psychedelic light show patterns.
- Tootsie Poop - When I was a kid I had the strange habit of eating the paper stick after finishing a Tootsieroll Pop. How many licks does it take to get to the center of this one? The world really doesn't need to know.
- Andromeda Strain - I despise trips to public restrooms and perhaps this is a turd misnomer, since it doesn't involve much of a strain to deliver. The key to this public toilet nightmare is a big splash that hits my ass, making me fear that I'll take something home with me that the scientific community will not be able to identify. AKA: Neil Armstrong Returns Home, Skylab.
- PT-109 - It's big, it floats and if you look real close, that piece of corn looks a lot like a young J.F.K. AKA: Five Flush Freddie.
photo by Gus Cordovox